Finding My Closeted Spirit: A Fashion Awakening
A journey that unearthed my inner goddess
Until a few years ago, I was the kind of person who wouldn’t bat an eyelash when it came to fashion and how I was going to dress for any given social circumstance was a thought that hadn’t bothered me in the slightest for years. Deep down, though, I always knew I had a distinct sense of style, even though I never really prioritised it. That style manifested in minute ways, but fashion as a means to express myself had remained an afterthought. That is until I moved to London.
Fast forward to three years in London, and I’ve now had a significant transformation in my approach to fashion, a fashion awakening, as I like to call it. I can’t pinpoint when my journey with fashion experimentation began, but a slow and steady progression led me to where I am today. In my first year in London, I had two friends in the city on a student exchange program at the London College of Fashion for a short few months. When we met, the conversations often revolved around fashion as they frequently discussed their college assignments and what the fashion world was up to. Sitting there, I remember being utterly oblivious to whatever they were so engrossed in discussing. It made sense because it had never truly been something I was knowledgeable about or interested in, to be honest. However, the idea that fashion could be an effective catalyst for self-expression had never occurred to me until then. These conversations put me on a path.
In the early months of my second year at college, I started to delve into my thoughts and figure out what I wanted to convey about myself, especially aspects I could communicate through fashion. It turns out there were many things I longed to express, but I had never found the appropriate time or way to do it. As with everything else in my life then, these thoughts accumulated and became buried deep within me.
It was November in London, and the wintry, cold days and harsh winds had begun to kick in. On one such random day, some friends and I spontaneously decided to go into Central London to see the Christmas market in Soho. Before we went out, in proper girl fashion, we would regroup in one of our rooms to discuss and choose our outfits. I recall sitting on the bed each time, bemused and perplexed at why we had to discuss something as simple as clothing at such great length. “It’s just clothes, not a reflection of who you are”, I always thought. Over time, however, something shifted in me and I could sense that I was growing fond of this ritual we had going, and I slowly began to soften myself to the idea of dressing up. That evening, my friend pulled out a matching crop top and pant set from her closet and handed it to me. Instead of dismissing her offer, which would’ve been my usual route, I decided to try it, especially since the bright blue colour was so hard to resist. When I tried it on and looked in the mirror, I felt something awaken inside me. I can still recall the feeling I had when I saw myself in that outfit as if it were yesterday. That day was the start of something new. I had an epiphany — that the clothes you choose to wear are directly linked to who you are and are more powerful tools than we commonly think.
It suddenly dawned on me that I was in London, where I had access to and proximity to everything in fashion, so in no time, I found myself experimenting with clothing and learning more about my likes and dislikes as I engaged in the experience more. Being in a global and diverse city meant that fashion enthusiasts constantly surrounded me, and seeing people express themselves through their looks helped fuel my growing curiosity to uncover what wearing myself would look like. When I first started out, I noticed that I was taking a slightly different road — envisioning the clothing I wanted to wear or one that would embody something I wanted to say and then seeking it out. I would do it online because I liked the idea of giving my brain time to sit with the decision and the chance to form a narrative around an item if I was conflicted about buying it in the first place. Shopping offline would never have achieved anything for me anyway, as I would get so invested in thinking about each item that I would never end up buying anything.
This process started out to be fun and exciting, and it was an avenue where I could unleash my boundless creativity. But reality set in quickly. In traditional fashion, the message is to never stop the consumption and keep everything fresh and new. A pre-existing narrative is present in society, especially for younger girls like myself, which expects you to have an insatiable demand, constantly keep up with the popular trends and relentlessly pursue the perfect outfit and wardrobe. But this idea had never sat well with me, to begin with. Because I’m a minimalist at heart and a big-picture thinker, the ripple effects of consumerism and all the problems that come with the fashion industry were something I could never ignore. And I dislike clutter and accumulating too many things. So, I knew then that I had to take a different approach for a second time. It was challenging because I was in my experimental phase and wanted to try everything before committing to any particular style. But striking a balance was crucial, so I found a way out.
I started frequenting vintage markets and unique pop-up events in East London, known for its hippy and artsy vibe. Before long, I was a regular at these thrifting events. This lifestyle choice resonated with my values because not only was I making more sustainable and mindful clothing purchases, but I also discovered items that perfectly matched my personal style — vintage, reworked, one-of-a-kind, Y2K, and futuristic clothing within an inclusive environment that fostered its own community. Since then, this routine has become one of the most delightful parts of life in London.
After over a year of thrifting and buying second-hand, preloved clothes, I’ve become a devotee of circular fashion. The concept of a clothing item being passed on from one person to the next fosters deeper connections, advocates for sustainability, and carries with it stories of each person who’s worn it, so it’s a win-win for everyone. I’ve now begun selling my pieces on Depop and Vinted, adding another enjoyable and liberating dimension to my fashion journey. Moving away from the take-make-throw-waste model propels you to play your part in encouraging the industry to close the production loop and consider responsible manufacturing, usage and end-of-life of each garment. I have a lot of progress to make in this area because circular fashion involves more than just buying second-hand clothing. At the core of the concept is understanding the origins, materials, manufacturers, and working conditions, and being more accountable for the overall lifecycle of all our belongings. There is also much more I have to learn about the industry, including fabrics, designers, styles, and different historical movements and eras in fashion.
Choosing fast fashion will give us more clothes, but embracing circular fashion and thoughtful consumerism will allow fashion to thrive in an ethical way. You’re buying less, but you’re buying better. In the end, quality always wins.
There are a plethora of ways to express yourself today. But there’s something so powerful about fashion in that it allows you to assert your traits without using other forms of self-expression like writing or speaking.
But wait..
There was so much more going on here. Through repeated experimentation, I stumbled upon a profound realisation — that our clothing is much more than what we wear for style and functionality. I began to see how it all comes together as an expression of our connection to our spirit. What started as a way to communicate with the world evolved into a deeper exploration of my spirit and the divine feminine within me. Little did I know that this journey would intertwine with my spiritual beliefs and expose my deepest insecurities in profound ways. In that process, I also reclaimed my power and unearthed my inner goddess.
Through this journey, I found myself gravitating towards my subconsciousness. I still loved the materiality of fashion. But as spiritual as I was, I could never dress like the stereotypical girl. I could never adorn myself with high heels, designer bags, leather pants, bodycon dresses, flashy accessories and glittering gold. I’d become a refined fashion enthusiast, sure, but it all had to mean something far more significant than myself and my closet if I had to indulge in it in any way.
In all of this, however, my spiritual inclination began to clash with the materialistic pursuits that fashion demanded. This is when I turned to thrifting and selling because they helped me find a way to sacrifice neither and make them coexist harmoniously. Decluttering proved to open doors. On the surface, it’s about letting go of the possessions we’ve held dearly. But skim it a little and you’ll find that it is an act through which we can shed layers of harmful conditioning, reinvent ourselves, and rediscover our essence. Cleanliness is godliness.
I’m beginning to think that you don’t necessarily need to get deep and spiritual in the typical way to experience a spiritual transformation. It doesn’t need to happen in a yoga class or a group meditation. It can happen anywhere. Even in a closet. I didn’t see it coming, but it sure did for me.
Because spirit is ubiquitous, it is everywhere and in everything, so it is undoubtedly in our style and clothes.
Your closet can be a dull, lifeless storage room like mine was until a few years ago. But it can also potentially become the sacred space where we regularly confront our shadows, honour the light within, and salvage our power.
Fashion is not as frivolous as it is sometimes thought to be. It’s fun, freeing, and fierce, often all at once. There’s a definite connection between what I wear and how I feel. It’s an outward expression of myself, but in a sense, clothing encourages who I am on the outside to take better care of who I am on the inside.
Our clothing and adornment help us shape how we see ourselves and how we want to be seen. And so, like me, I insist you step into your closet and contemplate your style with a sense of openness and curiosity to find your self-worth and the joys of self-expression. Embrace it as not just some tiresome physical task but as a path to self-discovery. Within the depths of your wardrobe, you’ll find the key to unlocking your truest self. And who knows, your spirit might just be dangling in there.
Sometimes, you don’t have to go deep to find the answers. Sometimes, they’re simply piling up in your closet…